The Ways of a Father
The ways of the Father are mysterious. I have prayed many times for clarity on God’s will for my life. I have hope that it is there, that He is there, but I tell myself there have been few moments where I have drawn any semblance of His presence or direction in my life.
I know I am not alone in these thoughts. There is a scene from National Treasure that has always stuck with me. Nicholas Cage and Diane Kruger are fresh from their daring heist of the Declaration of Independence, the FBI hot on their heels. They pause to shed their tuxedos and slip into clothes more fitting for fugitives. As they dress, their banter turns unexpectedly earnest. Kruger tells Cage that “people don’t really talk like that,” referring to his impassioned speech and deep-seated convictions. Cage responds, “no, but they think like that”.
At least a few times a day I question whether God hears my pleas for guidance, whether He has laid out a path for my life, and if there are any good works which I am to complete. If so, when will He fill me in on it?
I can’t be alone in my wonderings. Are these not also the thoughts of many who have come before me?
I hear you saying now, but His thoughts are not our thoughts. As the LORD tells us in Isaiah
for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:8-9, NKJV
But I don’t understand. Like Asaph,
I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! I searched for the LORD…but my soul was not comforted. -Psalms 77:1-2, NLT
Where can I find my answers? Where can I look for assurance from my Father?
Then Asaph’s psalm transforms.
I, too, remember the deeds of my LORD. I recall the times I have felt God’s presence or tug on my life. Like a father He has disciplined when I am out of line. He has instructed when I looked for truth, confirmed when I was filled with doubt, and even saved me when I had no idea I needed it. One such moment of divine protection even came to me on the open road.
The Protection of a Father
A day that will forever live burned in my mind happened a couple years back on a perfect riding afternoon in 2023. I was heading back to Fayetteville on Highway 45 and had just rolled into Goshen when traffic ahead ground to a halt. A truck and camper sat waiting to turn across a never-ending line of oncoming cars. Normally I’m constantly checking my mirrors—as any biker knows the unease of sitting stopped on a two-lane road—but that day I must have been off my game. When I finally glanced over my shoulder, what I saw was the blank face of the driver coming up behind me, moving way too fast.
About the time I looked down two things happened. The first was an odd sense of calm that came over me. Bikers run through these worst-case scenarios from time to time in their head (should a split second decision need to be made or a sudden aggressive move executed), but nothing came to me that day except calm and peace. Then, in what felt like slow motion, I watched the driver realize what was about to happen. He jerked the wheel, careened onto the shoulder at more than fifty miles per hour—missing both me and the truck by inches—and snapped back onto the highway without ever hitting his brakes. It was a scene straight from Smokey and the Bandit.
I have no idea what date that happened. But I do recall that calm vividly. Riding home that day, I came to realize that calm kept me from doing something stupid or making any sudden moves that could have put me back into harm’s way. That event happened around the same time I felt God’s call back on my life. I hadn’t yet returned to church, but I did open my Bible and let His word start to reshape me. As I look for the hand of God, I realize that not only has He shielded me in dangerous moments, but He has also given me a foundation of rock to stand on.
The Foundation of a Father
Finding solid ground
I feel like God is working in my life, but I often wonder how I might prove to others that my faith is reasoned. Is there strong evidence to back up my claims of the Gospel? Have I been given a footing of rock or sand to build on?
My journey to Christ—or back to Him—happened over a series of events. Around the same time as my close call, God had been directing my YouTube algorithm. Sure, that seems like an odd thing to say, but who else could it be? I found myself 3 suggested videos down a rabbit hole and stumbled on a well-dressed business man professing the keys to business can be found in the Bible.
Up until this point in my life I would have easily agreed, but purely on common sense. I would have imagined any collection of writings spanning that much time would no doubt have timeless truths hiding in its pages. It seems it did, but that Truth is for later...
This new "business" preacher got the YouTube algorithm acting up again, and along came Dr. Frank Turek and his wonderful I Don't Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist livestreams. Between Dr. Turek's videos laying out well-reasoned arguments for God (watch the Q&A parts after his presentation, too...so many great questions) and me starting to read through the Bible myself, there stirred in me a hunger for The Truth and the notion that it could be reasonably believed. I wanted more. So I started looking around locally for a church.
Being from Northwest Arkansas—solidly centered in the Bible belt—I had no shortage of options, especially mega churches, and I fully planned on visiting a few before finding a place to call home. But that plan fell through. As I had been listening to Dr. Turek's podcast, he hosted or had mentioned a string of pastors from various Calvary Chapels across the country. When I went to search for one locally, who would have guessed there was one right down the road in Rogers.
The first visit was fine. The small Wednesday night group greeted me promptly when I arrived. We had some nice small talk and whatnot. But the message is what kept me. Even on a Wednesday night Bible study in Samuel, God found a way to speak to me. And He continued. Week after week, in Samuel(!), God worked through that pastor and spoke directly to me. I joked with Pastor Jeremy that I appreciated the special attention, but I was okay if he preached a message for others in the congregation from time to time, too!
Laying the cornerstone
With firm footing found in reasonable proofs and a local church to hear the Word, it was now time for God to lay the cornerstone. That came with Him working through two men: my own father and the assistant pastor at Calvary Chapel.
Whether we like it or not our earthly fathers hold sway over our lives, and mine is no different. And whether he knew it or not, his confession to me was defining.
I meet my dad pretty regularly on Sunday evenings for dinner, and this was one of those occasions. I was wrestling with the truth of the gospel. Was this stuff actually real? Was the conviction in my heart to be heeded? The struggle of these questions had to be all over my face when I asked him that evening, "what do you believe".
"I believe in God. I believe in Jesus; that He died for our sins and was raised on the third day." It hit me like a ton of bricks. His words echoed the thoughts that were swarming in my head. God confirmed what I knew in my heart to be true. And it came from my father.
A few months later I was nearing a year attending church, but I was still holding back. After one group motorcycle ride and an unsolicited email rattled with questions, I started becoming friends with the—at the time—assistant pastor at Calvary. Maybe it's not worth the aside, but I have thought about why I sent that email to Josh when I had previously sent little comments here and there to Jeremy, the senior pastor. Initially I thought it was to "test" Josh and make sure he had the chops to take over the reigns at Calvary Chapel, which had recently been announced. A bit more hindsight showed that decision as God's handiwork. Those emails to Josh were to test and convict ME, not him. Josh was able to bring an incredible depth of knowledge to bear, along with the no-nonsense, tough love attitude I needed. God knew He needed a firm hand to corral this wandering sheep and He knew the shepherd fit to do it.
Our conversations boiled down to 'can I believe' and if so, to make the decision to stand on it. God placed in my path an overabundance of evidence for His existence. Even after seeing creation itself declare the glory of God from the back of a motorcycle, He still offered me numerous sources and reasoned logic to back up His claims. He placed in my heart a desire to acknowledge Him and the Truth of the gospel. And He confirmed his call on my life through everyone and everything around me. I needed only to yield.
God was patient with me. He gave me more than was necessary to ensure I felt His call and could discern enough to answer it. He showed me the unearned love and persistence of a father.
Anytime I think about our heavenly Father calling us, I always think about this passage from Isaiah.
The Sacrifice of a Father
Those email conversations weighed heavy on me for the next week. Like I've said before, I was stubborn and resistant. Luckily, God does not tire as easily as man.
The next Sunday we came to an impasse. I sat there trying to listen to Pastor Jeremy—no doubt giving a wonderfully insightful sermon—but all I could concentrate on were two verses repeated over and over and over. Romans came to mind first:
if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. -Romans 10:9, NKJV
I immediately answered just as that father did in Mark 9:24, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
I struggle to this day to understand what it means to hear the voice of God, to know whether my own inner voice is speaking or if the Holy Spirit is there to confirm or convict, to nudge or correct. But that day sure felt like I wasn't alone. I sat in that old cabinet shop we call a sanctuary for 45 minutes ferociously waging war with myself. Every time I heard that Romans verse to confess with your mouth and believe in your heart, I felt my soul shouting back "I believe", but outwardly I remained silent and still. As I sat there trying to maintain my composure and get some sort of grip on what was going on, a thought came to mind—"today".
There are times in your life when you must make a choice, and one of those times had reached me. When “today" came into my thoughts, I knew it was time to decide—do I believe?
Sure, I believed. But as Dr Turek mentions in his videos, I had belief that not belief in. I believed that Jesus did in fact live. I believed that He was crucified for the sins of the world and—with all reasoned evidence—that He did rise from the grave three days later. Belief that those events took place is really not a tall hurdle to overcome...what I hadn't made up my mind on was whether or not that sacrifice to save the world from sin included me.
And how could I? Why would an all-powerful creator endure the suffering of the cross to add another wretch to His flock? I've seen the Passion, and I have no doubt the reality of Jesus's torture and crucifixion was far worse that we can portray on film. Am I worthy of a sacrifice like that? Maybe you've been there too—wondering if you're worthy, asking if God could really mean you when He offers grace.
Writing this six months later, I still struggle to put into words what I was going through that fateful Sunday and the weeks leading up to it. My email conversations with Josh kept circling back around these doubts of "feeling" worthy. I was too ashamed to even speak about it in person. Like Paul, I held myself as chief among sinners.
But it wasn't doubt that withheld the gift of salvation from me up to that point, it was denial. I was denying my need for forgiveness and the completion of that work in Christ through the cross. I wanted to play a part in my own redemption. I wanted to know what to do—what actions I could take to bring myself back into God's good graces. And that's the kicker...there were no actions I could take except to believe.
I was denying the inexhaustibility of God's grace. If God's grace was more than enough for a murderer like King David or a persecutor like Paul, then maybe it would be enough for me.
I was denying my soul's longing to reconcile and commune with its Creator. Hearing "today" was my call to yield to or reject the grace of God. Though I was still filled with questions, I knew it was time to stop denying Him. I took the step that day to believe in my Savior and rededicated my life to Christ.
And that would have been enough. That moment of surrender, of yielding to the grace I had long resisted, would have stood on its own as a defining day in my life. But God wasn’t finished.
Because later that very day, I experienced something I never expected—a second moment of grace. This time, it came not from above, but from my own father.
The Forgiveness of a Father
That entire afternoon was filled with mixed emotions. Yielding to God satisfied the eternal question, but the shame of my sin still lingered. For over a year this deep conviction to right a wrong had hung over my head—an ever present prod to confess. And that day there was a second overwhelming feeling to finally come clean. (I should mention here that this "second feeling" was the second time I felt this call to repent. The first time was a year prior to this in December of 2023.)
I have come to realize—writing this very paragraph—that God has shown me a few times already He does in fact move within us, and that if we listen to His call and take action, He provides. Yes, even forgiveness and acceptance! He provides.
This time would be no different.
I headed over to see my dad late that evening. The ride over was silent, but inside I was preparing myself for endless possibilities. Christ told us there would be division among families for simply following Him.
Needless to say, this anxiety carried over the entire visit. Would this be my last visit with him? Would this confession spread quickly throughout the family and leave me ostracized from now on? Looking back, I can see this was exaggerated on my part, but I had to be prepared for the fallout.
It took a couple hours of small talk before I finally worked up the courage to come out with it.
"I never graduated college."
That confession sat in the air for what felt like an eternity. "Okay." My dad's reply was direct and seemingly unaffected. "Did you think I'd be mad?" he questioned.
"Of course!" And why wouldn't he? I had kept this lie going for 12 years—with no real benefit to me, only to keep up the appearance from the first time I uttered it.
And my dad's response was the same I had received from my heavenly Father that morning—a love without end. Amen.
He forgave me. We talked all about how I had gotten myself into this situation so long ago. He gave me comfort and advice on how to start telling the rest of my family. He gave me hope that this was the beginning of something new and not the end of my world as I knew it.
God used my father that day to put His grace on display. His ways are mystifying but marvelous! He will wash away even the most despicable of sins if we come with humility to the cross of Jesus.
The Correction of a Father
That moment in time is forever ingrained in me.
But my nature was not yet dead, and it began to creep back into my life. Like those before me, I struggle with the second great downfall of man—lust. The ways of this fallen world would see little problem with that, just maybe my consumption method. Regardless, after periods of restraints I fall back into familiar habits of destruction. I feel my spirit yearn for communion with God, but my flesh still craves worldly desires.
After one such slip up, I found myself wallowing in self-pity and again begging God to give me some direction, pleading for Him to reveal His will to me. He answered me that time.
All of a sudden, a thought came to mind...Revelation 9:21. This was out of nowhere. Was this from God? The prodding to read Revelation did not provide comfort, but curious, I looked it up. Seeing chapter 9 was a relatively short chapter, I had a momentary thought that I could have been off in my understanding. Maybe this was from my imagination and not from the Father. But verse 21 does exist in chapter 9 of John's Revelation. In fact, it is the last verse of that chapter.
And they did not repent of their murders or their sorceries or their sexual immorality or their thefts. -Revelation 9:21, NKJV
When I read "sexual immorality" I stopped. A wave of dread came over me that I would not wish on my worst enemy. This was a pure fear of the LORD, a fear of the wrath which is to come should I disregard this warning.
Rebuke from the Father can come in many forms. This is one I would be too thrilled never to receive again. My mind wandered again to Asaph's psalm,
and I said, “This is my fate; the Most High has turned his hand against me.” -Psalms 77:10, NLT
But then I am reminded of 2 Peter.
A Father's Direction
The ways of the Father are still mysterious to me. I don't usually notice God's guidance in the moment, but looking back I can see His hand on my life. I do remember the deeds of my LORD.
But like the nation of Israel, my memory is short-lived and I find myself wondering 'where is my God?'. Just like the house of Jacob, I witness the deliverance of the Almighty and still fall back to the sins of this world. And the guilt I feel still makes me question whether the grace of God could possibly extend to me.
My pastor told me the other day, "welcome to being a Christian". I am definitely new to this, but I now clearly see the deeds of God. I have witnessed first-hand the inexhaustibility of His grace—though I don’t fully understand it.
We are told in Deuteronomy that
The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law. -Deuteronomy 29:29, NKJV
He has revealed much to us if we are willing to see it. He provided me with an abundance of evidence to believe in Him, and He has no doubt provided the same to you if you dare to examine the deeds of the LORD in your life. He is there!
Look for Him and you will find Him everywhere. Immerse yourself in His Word and He will start working in your life, just as He did in mine.